So all I have to do is apply for my certificate in February, and I basically have a shitload of free time that I thought I'd have to set aside for math.
Since it's been raining on and off since last week and I've been stuck in the house most of that time, I decided to crochet my first big project after I learned a few of the stitches in my new Celtic knotwork crochet books. I dedicated it to Brighid so I wouldn't procrastinate too much, and she absolutely adores the wool yarn I'm using because it's soft and springy. Unexpectedly, Dionysus has taken an interest in it because one of the colors is a really maroon purple-red. (Probably because that's the color of wine? Lol.)
Also, while he was telling me some vulnerable stuff, he slipped up for a couple sentences and accidentally let me hear his god-voice. It's RIDICULOUSLY deep. (It's not an homage to James Earl Jones' Darth Vader voice, it's just five octaves lower than you'd think a dude who looks like Hayden Christensen sounds.) I say "accidentally" since the Greek pantheon has that "godliness is fatal to mortals" problem, so his god-voice was really hurt-y and I flinched and plugged my ears. He apologized immediately and went back to the Hayden Christensen voice.
He's also been telling me stories thanks to being inside 90% of the time due to rain. Weirdly enough, they're not drunk-hilarity stories like I expected. He told me a story about Semele at about 1AM last night, but we only got a few minutes in before we remembered it was 1AM and I really should get to sleep.
"I never grew up with my mother. But living in the shadow of her death--it affected me in a way that my cousins and siblings weren't. In a way, I was closer to her through other people's stories than I would have been if she'd lived to be another of his flings. The lack of her was a big thing, too. My foster-mothers were great and Hera warmed up after the insanity thing, but it was one thing to be hidden away or disguised like most of Dad's sperm-donations. My mom actually died.
"Gods know how fragile most mortals are--they have to be. It's the demigods who forget sometimes. They usually run around doing superhero shit, but me, I'm the party god who almost died. I grew up being a reminder to everyone who looked at me, 'I would have died without my father, because I was mortal. And you are mortal, too. Something, somewhere, can kill you.'"
Cap and the Avengers are not cool with this.
I didn't get the job, but that's okay.
I also tanked my math class in the fall, but I swear to the gods that I will pass it and finally fucking graduate. WHY IS MATH THE ONLY REQUIREMENT LEFT FOR MY ASSOCIATE DEGREE, AND WHY HAVE I BEEN STUCK ON IT FOR TWO FUCKING YEARS??? Like, I need an honorary C-grade or something for how many times I've taken it.
Three bright spots away from school and the shitstorm of political freak-outs is Disney's Moana. That movie is my happy place as a Filipino-American trying to find non-colonized parts of her heritage. It got me to buy Filipino Tattoos Ancient to Modern by Lane Wilcken, and OH LORD, PRE-COLONIAL TATTOOS ARE GORGEOUS.
The second bright spot is theater, as usual. My friend wants to introduce me to a local Asian-American company through my play Takotsubo. She said that the person in charge is away for the holidays, so concrete talks/emails are probably gonna be around January or February.
The third bright spot is that crocheting is so much fun, and I've gotten some Celtic crochet books that let you do knotwork and Aran Island-inspired designs. They should be coming either at the end of December or early January.
So the last couple of months were a mixed bag.
-I passed my summer math class with a fucking B, which is amazing. But now I'm 90% sure that I tanked my FALL math class. There was a perfect storm of tech problems slowing me down on finishing homework, which naturally meant I failed all the tests because I was constantly several weeks behind on the homework that the tests were covering. I'm retaking math next semester, but I'm not really surprised.
-Spirit-world seems fairly calm, and writing is going well.
-I have a job interview for a shoe store next week.
-Last night I saw an awesome Filipino play based on Shakespeare's Tempest, called BAGYO. Appropriately enough, yesterday was the first real rain we've seen in YEARS.
Here's my review copied from Facebook.
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Dang, May and June were busy. On the plus side, things are pretty awesome, even if they've taken a weird turn.
1) The professional version of our college show was extremely well received. I had a blast working in a space outside of our usual theater.
2) My first week of summer algebra classes actually went well. Right now we're going over the material we should already know, and I know 80% of it, so I have no idea why I kept failing so hard at math. I really hope I don't end up running into something crazy next week.
3) Captain America showed up in my headspace. Not a god/ancestor who meshes with Cap's general personality, it's literally Steve Rogers the American superhero. Generally he's here because a) I've been writing a superhero play that fucking destroys the stereotypes and failings of the genre, b) he's horrified that Donald Trump is basically a second Hitler, and c) he called me a superhero. Which is giving me a damn huge resurgence of "I AM THIRTEEN YEARS OLD AND I THINK SUPERHEROES ARE AWESOME," but Brighid is upset because she wants me to stay home, be safe, and write awesome stories like I usually do.
2. People loved our show, and now a professional theater company is going to produce it over the summer. We're definitely going to get paid at least a stipend since it's going to be a full run of rehearsals/performances (about a month), as opposed to the weekend we got from the other company's production a while back.
3. I'm going to take some math classes at another campus within the district, because my sister and my best friend got fucking blown away at how hard math is for me. They recommended the college in my town for math.
4. My best friend and her boyfriend are getting married, and me and my sister are both going to be her maids of honor. YESSSSSSS.
5. The concept for Takotsubo is starting to gain speed, to my surprise. I got two requests from people who loved the design I came up with to start posting the script on HitRecord, so I'll do that after my college group reads the play. General notes from my Berkeley playwriting group are: A) The script reads like a comic book--which is good for intense imagery, but tricky for theater where you need time to change the set, costumes, and to process the show as an audience. B) The writing and several repeated lines were described as poetic and very helpful, for which I thank the gods--I thought I was overdoing it a little. So right now I'm just shuffling things around, removing characters who don't need to show up right in the prologue, and slowing things down a little.
6. In this month's drum-circle, my ancestor Wes showed up again. He's the one I started writing Takotsubo for, and last month he basically told me to keep writing. No matter how tedious and emotionally difficult it is. In this month's circle, Wes gave me the ridiculously clear statement of "Little sister, you're a witch. Own that shit."
Given all the shit I went through being thought of as crazy, weird, and illogical by OTHER PAGANS from the Cauldron, and the more subtle things like my extremely Catholic mother telling me stories about how her family liked to make fun of the backwards pagan tribes of the Philippines (while not knowing that I'm pagan myself and desperately looking for indigenous Filipino beliefs), that was not a welcome statement. I don't even like when people make fun of me for being a spacey artist, or for flailing around not knowing what the fuck is happening, so it's probably ten times worse if people in REAL LIFE call me weird or insane.
But really, what else can you do when one of your spirit-brothers says that? I'm well past the "flailing around, not knowing what's happening" stage, so okay. As long as I'm not homeless and starving, I can do art, and I'm at least mostly sane, I will deal with being considered a witch. Elaborations on #6 are going to be posted in the_bears_wife.
Also, I got the little statue of Ganesh from my friend a few days ago and I put some sweetgrass oil on it.
Ganesh is amused that I need to consciously remind myself not to hate math so much. My niece and sister were talking about it when we had breakfast yesterday, and this morning I wanted to do some math homework, but I scared myself out of it and he went "You asked me for help and now you're getting jumpy about it? Oh, humans. :D" And I'm like, "the homework is fine, but the test is why I was stuck for a semester on it!" So he just laughed again and told me not to worry.
Lastly, I am now the drummer for my college's play. It's got tons of Aztec/indigenous themes and it's about the banning of Ethnic Studies in Arizona's high schools, so it's totally boss.
The only real downside to this month is that I forgot about the play-reading in Berkeley because it was a few days away from Valentine's, so my Facebook must have got clogged with Valentine's stuff and I missed the reminder. Oh well, there's always next month.
Also, I reallyreallyreallyreally want to see the Deadpool movie because stuffy people are butthurt about its violence and gore. THOSE ARE THE BEST REASONS TO SEE DEADPOOL, MAN.
Then Mom called me at six thirty today because she was having chest pains and she couldn't sleep because of it, so me and my niece should wait at home in case the hospital calls us.
And I'm just thinking, "Mom, this is EXACTLY why they had you stay in the hospital for a few more days. So they could check up on you."
I don't know, did she think she'd instantly go back to normal after heart failure? Again, this is why the hospital had her stay in for a few days, in case things like this happen. Plus she has a pattern of fretting about me staying out late for things like seeing a play with my friends and forgetting to remind her when I might be back, despite me being TWENTY-FIVE. While I was out for Dogeaters, I said I'd be home at nine. Then I remembered the play was two and a half hours, so I'd probably get home at about 11 or 12, and I told my neice about the new time getting back home, but I forgot to text Mom. If she worries about her adult daughter staying out late, chest pains that keep her from sleeping are probably even MORE of an issue.
My niece said that she called at about 9:20 wondering if I was home yet. (I was not, because the play was about half-over by then).
My morning meditation was only the five or ten minutes before I got dressed, and the Irish gods had a host of reactions to Mom's unnecessary worry. Mostly that I shouldn't be too worried about Mom's call since she has a pattern of overreacting.
And yes, I'm a mix of annoyed and concerned, but I'm really surprised that Macha of the Irish gods is so mad. She went, "I AM MAD BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT LETTING YOURSELF BE. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT BEING ANNOYED, BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER IS OLD AND TRADITIONAL AND FRETFUL. THIS IS WHY SHE'S IN THE HOSPITAL, BECAUSE TRAINED PEOPLE WON'T CATCH ANY PANIC FROM HER WHEN SHE WORRIES ABOUT CHEST PAIN. SHE'S FINE. THIS WILL PASS."
And when I finished the meditation, she was just fuming around and leaving angry vibes.
So yeah, I left an email for my creative writing teacher that I had a family emergency and now I'm just waiting.
On one hand, I hope nothing happens, but I just really wish this didn't happen ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Mom worries, and then she ropes me into doing tons of stuff "just in case it's serious," and then it turns out things are fine and she did all that for nothing.
EDIT: Yep, it was just high blood pressure that was causing her chest pain. Not good after heart troubles, especially since it's not coming down, but UGH.
-I'm temporarily disqualified from financial aid, and now I have to sort all this shit out. AGAIN. Why the fuck is college bureaucracy so infuriating? But luckily, all I have to do is complete and turn in a form.
-Mom got admitted to the hospital because she was seriously weak and shaky this morning. Doctors say she might have one of two extremely different problems: 1) Heart troubles, or 2) an infected wound on her hand, that she got from catching her hand in a door while she was in the Philippines last month. And now I, the only Asian member of my theater group, might have to miss seeing a Filipino play called Dogeaters in San Francisco.
It's not just that I'm upset about my plans getting fucked--we're working with the theater who's producing it, and I've been to the first reading of it and a tech rehearsal, and this play hits SO MANY DAMN THINGS about my life and various Filipino issues. AND THEN the writer isn't Filipino (she's white), but she worked with a crapton of them over the many times that Dogeaters has been produced, which is why it's so awesome.
It's very unlikely that I can buy a ticket for some other time during its run because I'm fucking broke, because RE: temporarily disqualified from Financial Aid. Plus my group was all planning to go at once and everyone knows I'm fucking ecstatic about this. I definitely can't go if I have to look after Mom tomorrow, but I'm also not sure if I could go even if Mom was relatively fine. Because I'm just really fucking jittery right now.
The irony of the only Filipino-American in a college theater group potentially missing a HUGE Filipino-centered play because of a family member's health issues, which may be from said family member's RECENT TRIP TO THE PHILIPPINES, is NOT. FUCKING. COOL.
The gods/ancestors are assuring me that this will all sort out soon.
I'll meditate with them later, or whenever I'm not so jittery.
-I got my Asian gangster superhero play read at a playwriting meetup in Berkeley, and people think the concept is awesome. Also, basically EVERYONE says that "flipping the Asian Gangster stereotype into an Asian Gangster Superhero is so cool!" I did run into one person online who completely missed the point and went "Why does it have to be about race? If I saw your concept as it was written right now, I'd just throw it on the reject pile."
Obviously, that's a sign that I should keep writing it. I'm not really surprised that a white guy has no clue why this concept is important. I live in the Bay Area and my friends are artists, so we're a lot more openminded than many parts of the USA.
-I finished my Mad Max inspired gloves and I really like wearing them.
-I had my friend do a ritual to Ganesh last week to help me get my degree faster, and she's shipping a little Ganesh statuette over.
I watched the new Star Wars movie and it's fantastic, plus I finally finished the necklace that Persephone told me to make about half a year ago. For winter break, I'm basically finishing every half-done craft-project that I've forgotten about, every not-yet-a-project that I planned but never managed to actually start, or everything that I just plain procrastinated on.
You'd think I'd get up to more things since my mom's been in the Philippines for the past couple of weeks, but I mostly just balanced out my post-semester sleep-deprivation. It's finally been raining in California!
Oh yeah, and I'm writing an Asian-American superhero script. I made a banner-like thing with the awesome art from Hitrecord's website, and I'm really excited at having the first ten-ish pages test-read by actual people in a couple of weeks.
Pics behind the cut for big size!
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Upcoming projects: Mad-Max inspired fingerless gloves (recently planned this) and a steampunk pocket-belt (which I've been procrastinating on).
So I've been meaning to do an outfit from Mad Max: Fury Road, but I didn’t get to make or wear it today because Mom wasn’t feeling well, so I decided to cancel my planned breakfast with my sister and drop off her stuff so I could keep an eye on Mom before class.
And I’m driving along and halfway to Berkeley, there’s a fucking VULTURE just randomly chilling in the street. Quick fact: Vultures are HUGE. Like, you see them on TV and stuff and intellectually you know they’re “big,” but the bro’s/sister’s head was nearly up to my car’s window.
So it’s a red light, and the vulture’s in the empty lane nearby without a hint of roadkill or anything that would explain why it’s there, so me plus a couple other drivers are just lightweight freaking out at the giant death-bird because IT’S HALLOWEEN HOLY SHIT IS THIS A SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE OR NOT. A guy tries to shoo the vulture to somewhere where it won’t ironically get hit by a car, but it clearly doesn’t bother with him, and it just wanders around a bit and then walks over to the sidewalk. Like “Girrrrrrl, I ain’t flying ten fucking feet.“
And then I get home and start looking up vulture symbolism/medicine because I have never seen a vulture in real life, especially not two feet away from me, and it’s HALLOWEEN which is also the Celtic new year because I’m pagan, and I’m like “SHIT IS SOMEONE GONNA DIE SOON?! OH MY GOD.”
It turns out vultures are actually very good signs of death, renewal, and change, and once it shows up in your life, it becomes one of your guides/totems for life. And apparently it’s associated with grace and dignity, but ironically enough, my own totem is the albatross--the dorky giant cousin of the seagull, who is often white. However: Both of them are very efficient flyers, and they can stay up in the air for hours.
Still freaking out about the whole “eats dead things“ deal, though.