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Cross-posted to cr_r.

Just as a reminder, I'm definitely looking for a counselor.

Also, Angry Teenaged Bit sort of... "snuck back in" last night. She realized I'd been (consciously) looking for all my missing bits, and when she came back, the "explosion" feeling was in my head instead of my chest.

Which, by the way, feels like it's been recently scabbed over. Teenaged Bit can't quite explain why she left in words, but I got the urge to sing the "Don't Do Sadness" half of Moritz and Ilse's duet this morning.

"'Cause you know--
I don't do sadness, not even a little bit.
Just don't need it in my life.
Don't want any part of it.
I don't do sadness.
Hey, I've done my time, looking back on it all--
Man, it blows my mind.

I don't do sadness, so been there.
Don't do sadness, just don't care."

She's also making me listen to "Hate Me" by Blue October. It's... a pretty blatant song. Teenaged Bit left because she thought I'd be better off without her, what with this part especially being stuck in my head:

"You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate.
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take.
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind--
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind."

I just keep telling her that I'm not mad and I don't want her or Little Bit to leave again. Teenaged Bit is just... sitting and fidgeting around and constantly apologizing.

I feel like a parent whose kids ran away and finally came back.

Also, I got a flood of little snapshot-visions about Moritz again. It's like now that I've found my missing soul-bits, everything's clearer AND something's been unblocked.

Neither of them can listen to sad or explicit songs yet. Little Bit keeps wanting to hide, so I let her use the "room" as a safe spot for when she doesn't want to listen to things, and Teenaged Bit goes there as well because her feelings are too raw to (re)experience it.

The only thing we can all agree on is that "Moritz is real," whichever way it means.

Also, Teenaged Bit is looking forward to seeing a counselor.

HUGE EDIT: As my comment below reads, I saw two boys who may have been Moritz and Melchior. One was a sexy dark-haired guy that I (and Teenaged Bit) initially thought was Melchior, and when I saw the curly-blond-haired boy, Teenaged Bit told me to sing "Blue Wind" just in case. Both the Younger Bits and Aengus gave me extremely positive "almost" vibes. Either it's "almost them" or "almost time" for us all to meet up.

I did a Tarot reading for confirmation of my "HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT, IS THAT THEM?!" feelings.

1. "What happened today?" Merlin showed up--"almost," "movement," "spark/seed."

2. "Who is the first boy I was drawn to?" The Spear Queen surprised me like whoa because that would mean Sexy Charming Dark-Haired Guy isn't Melchior, but Hanschen. Seeing as the Hanschen in my visions was outwardly The Sun and inwardly hiding the grief of the Spear Queen... it matches up.

3. "Who is the second boy I was drawn to?" I got Prydwen telling me to "keep going" with my question, which generally means I need to rephrase it. I then asked "Why was I compelled to sing 'Blue Wind' after seeing the second boy?" and drew Spear Nine. It told me that now that I've seen all the possible visions/outcomes/potentials, I need to decide whether this is going to be a part of my life or let it pass on.

It reminded me of when I did that guided meditation about the White Hart, way back in May. How I was so afraid that Moritz would be real, but eventually I decided that I wanted to be happy more than I wanted to be safe. Which leads me to my fourth question:

4. "Who is the second boy I saw?" I kept hoping/willing one of Moritz's cards to show up, but instead I got the Grail King (generally meaning Aengus) telling me to ask him directly.

I just know Aengus is going to ask me something really fucking important. I am scared as hell right now.


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 5th, 2012 08:51 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you're documenting this journey.

I am very curious about what or who the Mortiz will turn out to manifest in once things progress.

I think you are college aged right? You may have other bits show up. Shadow bit might show up. That's the one that worries me and I think teenage bit probably knows about it because sounds like she's dealt with it before.

Hello to your youngers!
Aug. 5th, 2012 10:22 pm (UTC)
Re: Bits
Yep, I'm college age. And funny you should mention Moritz manifesting somehow--I was doing a grocery run with my niece and I saw two boys that got my attention.

The first boy I saw at Trader Joe's was extremely handsome, had dark-brown hair, and he felt like the "Melchior" figure in my visions. He was shopping with his mother; I could tell just by passing him by and seeing him talk was that he was extremely magnetic and was probably very, very popular with girls. Hell, I wandered around the shop pretending to browse just to pass him by again, and then Teenaged Bit just gave this "Sweet mother of god, is that Melchior?" vibe. But I didn't say anything because she and Aengus told me, "Not yet."

The boy in the second shop was also very handsome, but it took me a while to notice because he was more subdued than Possibly-Melchior. He had curly blond hair and was with a blonde girl who may have been his sister. The more I looked at him, the more I felt the urge to walk up and go, "Moritz Stiefel!" Teenaged Bit went "Don't do that, but sing "Blue Wind" just in case." And while I was doing it, I pointed out that he didn't say anything and it might not have been him. She told me that it was just in case and it was still "too early" anyway.

Once I saw them, I keep feeling Aengus and the younger bits giving this "almost" vibe. Either it's "almost them" (because they didn't look QUITE right), or it's "almost time" for us to all meet up because it's three weeks to the fall semester.

When I sang "Blue Wind" in Possibly-Moritz's earshot, I felt some sort of thread "connect" us. Or I planted a spiritual/metaphorical "seed"? Either way, I know I did something.

Edited at 2012-08-05 10:29 pm (UTC)
Aug. 6th, 2012 04:06 am (UTC)
Your Cauldron (inbox) is full!
That clears things up a bit! When I read "speak to him directly" on your blog, I thought the card met that the next time you see those two strange guys at the grocery, to come right up and start a conversation.

Hmm, speaking to Him directly? I would actually advise going out of body: http://luminalcelerity.blogspot.com/2009/10/my-obe-technique.html

(that's my paranormal blog, where I actually do my best to keep religion out of it.) (until lately, but I'm too lazy to modify the whole thing. Hope this helps! If the weather's good, I'll be back in the city for the weekend, see if I can get that book back.)

Stalling? Terrified? I thought you'd be excited. Though, well, all the signals you got about Winter, perhaps even the compulsion to stall is saying that it's just a mite too early still?

- T.E.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )