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So I was talking with Aengus last night about my fragmented soul, or how I felt this was the case, and how I understood that this is the main thing keeping me from seeing Moritz and the others.

I finally realized, "It's not that I need them--I need their help because I can't do this alone."

He gave me a "keep going" vibe until I said, "I can't do this without their help. And it's not because I'm weak or selfish, it's because I need help." Cue the fit of can't-decide-whether-I'm-laughing-or-crying. "That is why I'm looking for them."

I just kept repeating, "That is why, that is why, that is why," and I felt like I was reassuring or calling something until I suddenly I got the "Elephant Love Medley" from Moulin Rouge stuck in my head. I had a desperate urge to sing it and when I finished, I realized that this was the first time I'd sung it with a straight face. Because as wonderfully bombastic as that song is, it's kind of hard to take yourself seriously when you get to "IIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU."

But I sang it again and the second time I finished it, I felt this little tiny shaking thing settle in the pit of my chest, where the Morrigan "cut out" my dependence on my family way back in April. And I finally felt calm, even though it was still really scared and keeping its distance from the frayed bits of the rest of me.

My third eye started tingling, and I kept seeing Eight-Year-Old Me sitting in a "room" inside my head. Then I realized that this is who the Grail Maiden was talking about when she kept telling me all the stuff about "regaining/returning to childhood."

Which she seems to have meant literally.

Little Soul Bit just sat there and didn't say anything, and I knew it wouldn't be any use to talk to her yet. (Because, you know--she's technically me.) So I gave her some space and let her get used to being here again, and I kept giving her some sort of vibe that went, "Please don't leave again, please don't leave leave again. I hated when you were gone. If you get scared, please tell me why instead of running off."

Fell asleep till the dog woke me up at two AM, and while I was awake, I figured I'd ask Little Bit why she'd left.

"I hid," she corrected me very hesitantly.

"What? Why?"

"Because you're scary!" She gave all these sad/lonely/confused/angry/dark/scared/overwhelmed vibes, and I managed to figure out that she must have ran off when I started suffering chronic depression back in high school. And I thought, Shit, no wonder she got scared off.

I played "The Song Of Purple Summer" to make her feel better. Then I explained why I'd felt how I did in high school by playing "Mama Who Bore Me" and carefully going through my memories so she wouldn't run off again, and she went, "Ohhh."

Then I played "Whispering" to see if it could help her understand my depression. The sadness scared her right off the bat, so I stopped. And then she started looking at all the visions about Moritz and wondering who he was, and I said to her, "You know the boy I keep seeing? Well, I need you to help me find him."

"Really? Why?"

"Because he's real." The words echoed all around the pit of my chest, and Little Bit started laughing. I felt this boom from how she sort of... expanded, or rejoined. Most likely both.

And I didn't feel any chest-pain anymore.

Aengus chuckled and went, "Well, aren't YOU good with kids?" I pointed out that Little Bit was technically me, so what did he expect? He gave this "Exactly, because you remember" vibe. I don't really know what that means.

After that, I got the vision where Moritz and I meet up again. I saw him walking across the theater in his schoolboy outfit and I went, "Moritz Stiefel!"

He laughed and asked, "How'd you know?" Then he turned around, and I. Saw. His. Face. He had curly almost-blonde hair (I looked it up and it's somewhere between light ash-brown and dark blonde), a long face (or maybe it was just bony from adolescence), and big brown eyes. And he was smiling, and it was infectious. Made me all giggly like a schoolgirl.

Of course, it took me until finishing this post in the evening to actually comprehend what he looked like. At the time I was too busy going "FJDKSADSALJGFKJDL IS THIS SOME SORT OF TRICK? PLEASE TELL ME IT'S NOT. AENGUS, YOU BASTARD!" and I heard Little Bit giggling in that "Surprise!" way. Aengus was also laughing his head off in a mix of "Great job!" (for recovering Little Bit), "Finally!" (for taking this long to recover Little Bit) and "HA, THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE."

Ever since two AM, Little Bit's been playing happy songs over and over in the back of my head. And making me play them on my iPod. The most prominent one is "Mr. Moon" by Kate Micucci, but happy songs in general are good with her.

She can't comprehend sexual songs (obviously), so she kind of rolls her eyes and makes me skip them. Amusingly, she tolerates Linkin Park's stuff because "it's for old people." (Meaning anyone past 14.) She also won't let me listen to the boys' songs in SA, because "boys are gross."

I pointed out that she doesn't have a problem with Moritz, and she told me it's because "Moritz is nice."

Angry and intensely sad things scare her. She can't listen to the "Don't Do Sadness" portion of Moritz and Ilse's duet (I have to skip over to Ilse's part), and I haven't touched "The Dark I Know Well" for obvious reasons. If I try to play an angry/sad song or if she knows it's coming up on the playlist, she starts shaking/crying/whimpering until I skip over it. She can't seem to explain, aside from this vibe she gives me that "it makes me remember too much."

Also, I get distracted a LOT. I was driving to work this morning and got distracted by the kites being flown on the beach, and I was driving HOME and got distracted by the deep-blue morning glories growing on a fence.

Through it all, I keep trying to remember that this is technically me, but at the same time it's NOT me. In the meantime, I need to figure out how to talk to childlike entities and I am gorram DREADING the thought of having to do this again with the Angry Teenaged Bit of my soul. Yes, I went through a huge year-long catharsis, but I never felt anything like this when I was going through it.

I keep remembering alllll those fricking times that I said, "Thank god MY teen years weren't a mess," and knowing that it was just because I'd been too afraid to let myself experience it as opposed to being genuinely chill.

Speaking of all my minced oaths: I can't seem to swear as much as I normally do. Meaning, I can't swear unless I'm sufficiently angry/startled/annoyed because when Little Bit can sense the various bad words, she cringes away and I keep going "Oh god, sorry."